Isn't Something Missing?
by andAshes
Summary: I like to think that you'd cry for me. But.. there's a lot I'd like to think. Riku/Roxas; onesided Riku/Sora


-shrug- Started this in the morning, finished it tonight. Posted it tonight.

I don't own Kingdom Hearts. All that stuff. I was a little rushed when I first posted it, so this is an edit. I wasn't expecting it to end how it did, it just kinda happened like that. So sorry before hand. I was listening to that song from Mulan when she decides that she's going to leave. And then near the end in the evening I was listening to "Missing" by Evanescence. This also goes with another thing I've made, a picture and an AMV. When those are both up I'll edit this with those links, if you're interested.  
Riku / Roxas. Mostly, sort of. Then implied Sora / Riku. Then again, it's all implied.

* * *

_I like to think…_

When we were younger, we would spend most of our time in the secret spot. It was the place where only we knew where it was or how to get to it, and only we went there because it was ours. We'd draw on the walls with bits of chalk taken from our classes in the daytime. Because I was older, I could get more chalk than you could, you were always scared of getting caught and getting in trouble. When the summer came, we would scratch our pictures into the walls with sharp rocks. You couldn't stand the sound of it at first, but got used to it quickly. We'd always make believe in that spot, the little cave with the stone walls and the single ray of light that came in through the top. When it got dark, we'd have to stumble our way out, and you'd end up grasping my hand until we made it outside. I was always sturdier than you, and you could always trust me to keep you up if you fell. And if you did fall, I'd always be there to catch you.

We'd draw stories on the walls. With the chalk, I could make up these fantastical monsters that ate your still beating heart. It wasn't until later that I encountered beings who truly did want to 'eat' your heart. But instead of consuming it, those creatures would suck it up and destroy your body and leave another one of itself in its wake. I'd draw dragons, big scaly things that had three tails and darkened eyes. I always made sure my monsters had at least one weak spot, and it was always their eyes. They could never see very well, or they were blind. And you'd have your heroes, beings that carried these fancy weapons that didn't look like they could do any damage because of how many loops and spikes they had. It wasn't until much later, in my time of darkness, that I saw just how fancy your weapons could get.

Make believe was easy, your hero would always win because you were younger than I, and you were still frightened of death. Later, you would face it with an unblinking stare, and watch beings fade into nothing, dying right before your eyes. I would still turn away during those times because I had never liked death, even though my dragons were always slain in the end.

We were best friends. We spend hours awake on the beach, never starting a fire because if it got out of hand the whole place would be destroyed. And with how dry the days were, the island would be consumed quickly. So we relied on blankets stored in our little wood house and each other to keep warm when the ocean brought cold air to us. We would talk until we fell asleep.

I still remember the day when everything changed. The day when she arrived. You invited her with us at first, we spent the day swimming and lazing about the beach. The next day, she was there again, and I went home.

When I came back to our spot on the beach, I couldn't find you, so I went looking. Almost afraid of what I would find. What I found decidedly cracked a young boys heart. Our secret spot, the spot that was only ours, was no longer ours. No one else had ever known about it, and there were two drawings. One of you, and one of her. Your drawing of her was crude, and I bet the two of you laughed at that. I knelt beside it, touching the wall. Frowning as I found it was scratched in with a rock, and not the chalk. If it had been, then it would be easy to wipe away. So I couldn't touch it, I couldn't remove it. I rose, beat that door that had always been such a mystery to us with my palms, and was silent.

The next time we played, we drew with rock. My dragon ate the heart of your hero, and your hero was willing to give it to protect what he had felt important. His home, his village. And a girl, not once before had you ever had your hero fighting for a woman. What happened next, in my aggressive playing, was strange. Another, one that was your heroes brother, came in to help fight, and fought the dragon. My dragon got bigger in my poor attempt to win, and took down the other hero. But didn't eat his heart, because he didn't have one. That was your remedy to my dragon's dinner. Your hero woke, and the one without the heart went and joined with the hero, to give him strength, and the two of them destroyed my dragon, blinding it and using two weapons to strike through the dragon's heart.

I didn't know, at the time, how much truth that story held.

I didn't talk to you much after that, I left the cave, it wasn't our secret spot anymore, and went home. Pulling the blankets over my head and wondering just why it hurt so much that you had destroyed my dragon. In time, I came to see that it wasn't just that you destroyed my monster, you replaced me with her because over the next few days, I saw you go in there with her. Maybe you were just trying to get her used to our island, maybe you were just trying to be nice, but you also pushed away your best friend.

At the end of the year, at my lonely little birthday party, with everyone we knew, you came. The girl wasn't invited and you held out a present for me, then dropped it on the ground and hugged me, apologizing as you cried. You realized that you had replaced me, I liked to think. And so I put my arms around you and our friendship started to heal. But she was still there, and she always would be.

I figured she had come from the door. And wondered, are there any other worlds out there? If there are, how can we get to them, and why did we end up here? Couldn't we have made it somewhere else just as easily? Over the years, I became obsessed with that idea, and eventually proposed a raft for the three of us (Only because you would never approve if I requested that it was only you and me) to take to find another world. I heard her one night, she was speaking to you, and she said that only you and her should take the raft and leave me behind. I didn't listen to your response, and I didn't speak to her much.

When the door opened, I was there. I stood in the cold air and watched the sky as the darkness flowed forth. Whispered words calling my name, and I held out my hand for you. You tried, and I told you Kairi was safe, even though I had no idea where she was. I was frozen to the spot and my hands were going numb. The darkness flicking over me until I was swallowed up by it. Waking hours later, alone, cold, and in a strange new world.

You were always the better one out of the two of us. I saw that as I watched you. Your fancy weapons that did so much damage to little creatures that wanted your heart. My creatures that I could control and create to destroy you. You were the hero, I was the dragon. We took on our roles, the hero always winning, the dragon always falling down. I would sink to my knees in front of her, that damned girl, and hate her for all the times that she had destroyed our stories. That time she had come to us when we were making one up, and asked what we were doing, and you let her and her female, a beautiful warrior, would always come to the heroes rescue.

The girl was only here with me, and I was only willing to do everything to get her heart back so that you could continue our story. And you'd still have a reason to find me so that I could convince myself that it was me you were looking for. I wanted to be found, even if I felt pathetic for those childish needs, I changed over time. You remained the same. You were looking for her, and I was keeping her so that you couldn't find her. Even though I knew I shouldn't.

She got her heart back, and you left to keep searching while I woke in a place that was neither light nor dark and brought to a strange place, there, I met my double. A boy who thought he was me, and who was only programmed to do so. I hated him because he was me, and he unknowingly paraded all my flaws, my jealousy, for everyone to notice. Or maybe, was I more him than he was of me? I could let him be the real one, and take his place of the copy instead of pretending as I had begun to. So he could live my life, he could be whole, and I could cease to exist. The boy, this copy, all ready saw himself as me, it wouldn't be hard to let him live like that. And I grew to hate him. I fought him him, I held him in my arms, he knew he was just a copy by them, and rest against me as I sat on the grass in a strange town that I didn't know the name of, and I destroyed him.

I like to think that I put him out of his misery. In all reality, I probably didn't, but it doesn't hurt as much to think that I might have helped him.

There was a girl, the shadow of her, who I found one day. Her hair was soft and yellow like the sun, her fingers long and thin and pretty because she never cracked her knuckles like I did. Her eyes were as blue as yours, and I stayed with her while I watched you sleep. She returned your memories and I couldn't bring myself to hate her, even though she was the shadow of the girl, the sister, to the girl that had taken you from me in the first place.

Soon after, I met your heroes brother. A boy who was missing a heart, who had nothing for me to steal, and who was just as lost as I was. We clung to each other in the alley, the lights bright around us and the sky dark as ever, hot and sweaty and _nude_ in the chill of the night. He couldn't cry, and only stroked my hair as I did. Laying on the dirty ground after the rush of heat with a sharp piece of glass cutting against my side. Thinking of you, and hurting because you were asleep and I was trying to wake you up but you'd never wake up for me, you'd wake up and call for her like you always had. And I clung to this boy without a heart and spilled my own, tainted with black, to him. You wouldn't care, and he didn't care either, but only because he _couldn't_. If he could care, would he put me above you? But no, he wouldn't, because even he had someone else to go back to. Someone who was hot as fire and just as untouchable. I let this heartless boy go, and he helped me stand and pressed his lips to my eyelids, hidden under the blindfold. Silently comforting me, apologizing wordlessly for what he had not done.

We met again, we lay together, this time I did not weep, I was stronger and more resolved because I had been thinking. After, both of us still heavy from the excursion of sex, we fought. I won, I gave in to the darkness, to him, in my heart so that I could bring this boy to you, so you could rejoin and you could have your strength so you could finally take down the dragon. And so I didn't have to see your blue eyes every time I looked at your heartless replica. That boy had, both times, wanted to take off my blindfold, so that he could see me and try to come up with your memories, to place why I must have felt familiar to him.

I hid away from you once you woke. I had changed, you wouldn't even recognize me now. I had tried so hard to destroy you, and that man I had let take my body had taken over. This was my punishment, I'd grow old in darkness and this body that wasn't mine. A good twenty or thirty years cut from the end of my life. I never asked the man how old he was, I had never bothered to ask. Now, all I had was his form, a body that was stronger than mine was, and a weakened heart from constant fluctuating darkness.

Then you came to me again. And it was her fault. If she hadn't held my hand to get me to stop, you'd never know. Maybe it would have been better like that. I think a part of me wanted to be remembered by you, and you fell to your knees and cried. With grim satisfaction I noted that you hadn't done the same for her, she had wound her tiny arms around you and you had returned it. When you cried, I only stood there. You didn't know me anymore. There was no way we could get back the two years we had both lost. I like to think that maybe you cared for me like you cared for her. If I thought about it, I could see the shadows of your double in your eyes. But then he's gone as fast as a stone fell to the bottom of the ocean. He lingers, and I wonder if you've trapped him within your mind.

At the beach, the battle finished, when it was just the two of us and silence, I like to think that we connected. But there are a lot of things I like to think, most of them never come true because, hey, if we like to think something, it makes us feel better. Even if the truth is worse. I could lie to myself, you'd never know because I'd never speak on it.

But I never thought that I'd be back where I started. After we came out of the ocean, we all sat on the beach with a fire lit between us. I left you before too long because your hand was in hers and it hurt more than I could ever imagine. I went to that cave, the place that had not been our spot for so long. And saw the drawings, done with rock, your hands sharing star shaped fruit. I turned away, moved to the drawings that others had done, and found one that you and I had done. The dragon, it's tail curled around itself. Its eyes closed, the hero sitting on top of its back, the woman by his side, their arms together. These walls were no longer littered with just our drawings, over the years, word had spread to everyone else, I think I blame her because I don't have the heart to blame you.

I didn't cry, I was sick and done with tears, I only sank to the ground and sat there with the light of the moon shining in. Alone. You wouldn't try to find me, not now, you weren't going to look for me. You weren't going to be there. I'm starting to think that you had never missed me at all, and it was your duty to find me because you had to. You couldn't come home without me because it wouldn't be right because to you, I needed to be saved, not found.

I found a rock, one that was covered with dust, and scratched out a drawing on the wall. A dragon with no eyes, it's body long, laying still on a dusty plain. My drawing, never that good, had improved over the years. And my dragon lay there, compliant, unable to harm anyone because it was blind. And I rest my cheek where the length of its body was scratched into the wall, eyes closed as I trembled, telling myself it was partly from the cold of the evening.

The mouse came to see me, held my hand and sat beside me. The only one to come and find me, and maybe a closer friend than you had ever been even though I hardly see him. We had only known each other for a few months, yet I felt closer to the mouse than I ever had to you.

Did I love you? I never really had time to love. And before this, I knew hardly anything. I was a young boy, foolish for thinking that the ocean would take me to another world. All it would do was take me along to another part of this world. Somewhere, I might have known that. Maybe I knew exactly what would be on the other side of the ocean. Maybe all I needed was a change, even if I couldn't get to another world, and even if I might not have known there are other worlds, then I could have had the satisfaction of knowing what was on this one. Maybe all that we'd do would be to come up on the back of our island and the ground I knew.

The days passed. You were with her, I could no longer see your shadow behind your eyes, and I wondered if maybe he was happy where he was. If the shadow of her made him happy or if he was just hiding. I was still sore, you were still happy. You and her went off together, you stayed up together. It wasn't that I wasn't 'invited', it was that I didn't want to be there when ever you two did something.

I stood against the tree. Watching the sun, the waves. Wondering how much longer I could live like this, knowing my best friend had abandoned me. Maybe I have attachment issues.

I think she knows I hate her. I see it in her eyes that shine when she's with you. I wish that she had never came here, then maybe you and me would be touring other worlds, stopping those things that fed on hearts together, and with my dragon and your hero we'd be unstoppable.

We were stoppable. I missed you.

Before too long, I left. Our island was too small for me not to see you everywhere we went. The memories were too abundant in those places I knew, like my home and what was our spot. What was now nothing to the two of us. The day I left, I took a rock and gripped it hard, slicing it through the rock, scratching out that crude little carving of her. And found the drawings of our make believe adventures and scratched them out too, squeezing the rock so hard my fingers cut and bled.

Maybe I loved you. Though I don't think that I know the meaning of love, I don't really believe in it. So maybe I can say that I loved you once. At one time, you were my world and I was yours. You didn't cry when I left because I didn't see you. I didn't know you were weeping at the scratches on the cave walls. I don't think I would have cared even if I had known.

I went to the one place that I had lost myself in, and the one place where it felt like I belonged. I lived there, I grew there. I died there. It wasn't by my own hand, there was never a time I thought of that. It was too cowardly for me to think of, I was injured in a friendly sparing match with someone who was just as alone as I was. He swore when I fell, he picked me up, he did his best to heal the wound.

Yeah, maybe I loved you once. Maybe I still do. Or maybe it's only your shadow that I love, because at night, I could hear him screaming. When I dreamed, I heard him screaming for release and trying to get out. So maybe I loved your shadow because he was the only one who knew how it felt to be ignored by you.

My death was an accident, I didn't plan it. I like to think that maybe you cried for me when you heard about it. And I like to think that maybe she saw that you were hurt, and maybe she'd let you go. And maybe your shadow cried for me too, if he could.

I like to think like that because it makes everything seem sunny.

_maybe…_

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So, I've drawn / made a few other things to go with this. So if you're interested, here you go. Replace 'dot' and 'slash' with the correct symbols.

youtube dot com slash watch?vWC01kSbMitk (( AMV ))

andashes dot deviantart dot com slash art slash KH-Rock-Wall-84291936 (( Doodle ))

andashes dot deviantart dot com slash art slash KH-Isn-t-something-missing-84298906 (( Another doodle ))


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